Now that I'm a writer again
Now that I'm a writer again this typewriter has become my only home on this planet, here I can sit down and unburden myself, here I can speak freely, here I can create, here I can make the darkness light so I can move on into further darkness. Here I try and make some kind of sense out of all the mysteries I have been experiencing, all the sad feelings I cannot attach to anything, all the flashes of light that seem to want to be clothed in words, all the longings. I have rediscovered some old words that I have applied to my mystery, words like necessity. I can say once more that I am what I am and do what I do out of necessity only, my ideals are all BEHIND me and even THEY were the results of necessity, only darkness lies before me. I once told Ebon that my whole life was like riding in the back car of a subway and watching the tracks of my life recede behind me, now it is like riding in the FRONT car of the subway watching the cars trailing along behind me and the track trailing along behind them, still my back is to the front, I do not turn around because there is nothing to see, all that is lies BEHIND me, I can only see where I've BEEN, if I were to turn around I would have no PAST and no destination, only onward through more dark tunnels, this way at least I have past, I will never have a destination, that's what first entails, that's the very SOUL of aries.
When I am with other people I DO have destination, I am pulled to take them as far as I have gotten, when alone I just sit quietly in the void shroud in wonder, I know nothing, all I ever know is what someone else needs to hear, I am as much as needs to be known at the time by whoever I am with and if I am not with anyone, then I am the very void itself, a conscious void. Mel Lyman is a conscious void, the great man is a fool, except when you are in his presence, then he is the best of YOU. I have gone further than I WOULD have gone had I any choice, oh for the days when I aspired to something beautiful and shining in front of me, when I reached my hand out to a star, determined to GET there yet doubting such a feat were possible for the likes of me, ah then did I have somewhere to go, I hoped beyond hope and sought beyond seeking and dreamt beyond dreams, then there was MORE than me, there was SPACE to fill, WORLDS to conquer, MAIDENS to win, THINGS TO EAT! Now I just sit quietly with a vision of myself sitting quietly. Don't be sad, I'm beyond sadness, I'm beyond anything that ever was, I'm only writing this because someone needs to hear it, it is a rare opportunity that one gets to tune in on the private contemplations of a god,
....rejoice that you're NOT one .....Mel Lyman