No. 20, Mar. 1, 1968, pp. 19


Tim Leary used to say

Tim Leary used to say, "if you don't like what you're doing, you can always pick up your needle and move to another groove". And I used to be fool enough to believe him, until I ran out of records. Every man is nailed to this planet just as sure as his feet are on the ends of his legs, we all have our cross to bear. I'm going to run down the progression from childhood to adulthood to give you a little idea what I'm talking about: Childhood is lots of fun, it's all play, a simple flower holds no end of mystery in its delicate depths. And then comes the first responsibility. We leave home and have to make a home for ourself in the cruel world, we go to work. Now for many this is the end of the line, but I'm speaking here to the few who have done this and are seeking for something BEYOND it. The next natural step is to discover that all this work we have been devoting our time to all these years doesn't amount to a hill of beans, we can PASS on it if we want, we can stop scurrying around and worrying and just groove with it because it really doesn't matter anyhow, it has all only been a game. This is where Tim Leary and many others like him were at when I was frantically trying to hold my peace of mind together, when I was clinging to all the things that had been me, they told me that I was infinite and eternal and I took some LSD and found out they were right, it had all been a silly game. Now I was free, I was free to go to prison again. I don't expect any of you to understand what I'm talking about from here on out because you are resting in the security that you have some kind of a causal influence over your experiences, that with your little mind you can determine what kind of a life you are going to live, I'm just warning you that your REAL illumination is still a long way off, you're still relying on a system, the "game" concept.

Now this concept is all very understandable. After all, what else could you believe after you've discovered that your whole life was just a silly game and you were a PAWN in the game, and now you've taken over CONTROL of the game, it's YOU who move the pieces around now, that's a pretty big step, and it's natural that you would think it's the LAST step. And so you avoid further suffering by becoming an expert at playing the game of life, if something threatens to hurt you you just step aside, move to another board, and if that doesn't do it you just refuse to play at all, you guarantee your freedom from being hurt, you even get a little PROUD of your ability to maneuver and remain unscathed. To many this is the ultimate reality, after all, what have you got to lose, you're ETERNAL. And you do not see that you are only setting yourself up for the FINAL disillusionment. and you're really setting yourself up good, every move you make is one more step in the construction of the most elaborate tower ever to topple in the kingdom of man, you're backing yourself up into a corner and you won't even KNOW it until you feel the sure finality of cold bricks digging into your spine and THAT is when the crutch will crumble, THAT is when you will fight the biggest battle in your life, THAT is when the mirror cracks and you are left with only just exactly what you are, NOTHING! You will fight it, you will put all your little theories into desperate practice and find that they DON'T WORK, the game is over, this time you're really cornered, there's no squeezing out of this one, it's a fight for your life and I don't give a ratshit HOW much you know, it ain't gonna help you now, you're all alone and all your wise worldly wisdom is a loaded gun aimed right straight at your own skull, nobody can help you now, the game is over and the joke was on YOU. Now you can laugh, and be smug in your assuredness that I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, and I hope you do, cause that will be just one more step backwards and pretty soon you're gonna have to cry .......

And do you want to know where I'M at? I'm cornered man, and loving every minute of it. I'm up against it, and I've lost all hope, and I've worn out all my theories, arid I've cried all my tears, and I ain't got nothing left in the whole world to live for. I'm all alone in the void, and my pain is ceaseless and immeasurable, and my laughter rings throughout the whole creation ........

Mel Lyman

Mel Lyman