No. 14, Dec. 8, 1967, pp. 10-11

To have to leave what you love...

To have to leave what you love to go to what needs to be loved, that is my sadness.
I long for everything I have ever longed for in my life, and more. I long for everything I've ever DONE in my life, I long for my life.
I am locked in my past like a jail. Germany is my past and it's too far back. I want out of here so bad I can scarce breathe, I am a prisoner and an alien, I just want my life back, I can't walk in this body. I am quietly suffering ....
I know Germanys pain, quiet desperation, I am all of it, eternal melancholy, courageous acceptance, misery loves company, we shall overcome, such a soft soul in such a hard body, cancer with an aries moon, leo with a scorpio moon, pulling your sweethearts pigtails.
If I am a scorpio, then I am gruff because my soul is in private.
If I am leo I roar
Germany thirsts, they drink lots of beer.
Germany wants a reason to get together, a cause with an ideal, and they want it so bad they are willing to destroy themselves. Everyone wants this but Germans will DIE for it. They are so desperate they are noisy. If its clothes, it must be loud and strong, if its food it must be coarse, if its love it must be harsh sex, if its music it must be clamor. No subtleties, no refinement, no grace, all or nothing, and they eternally release their fury on THEMSELVES.
How did this happen I wonder, how did the soul put its body so far out of reach, the bridge collapses under the weight, it makes a pile driver out of the mind. Germany only realizes that it wants to realize itself, and no price is too high, and order must be the way, SO WE WILL HAVE ORDER!
Taurus Hitler built a fortress out of that need, and then destroyed it because it was a wall, and the need was naked again, and is still trying to fill itself with order, and the old way didn't do it, and there is no NEW way. Last time their need created a Hitler, what will it create this time?

Germany needs to be loved... and understood .... DESPERATELY
Germany wants a leader.
They will follow him anywhere.
Germany isn't afraid to follow the leader.
The United States has an awful big responsibility to the world

Later, I am more anxious than ever to return home and get to work. I never personally felt the pain of another country before, I truly AM a WORLD saviour.

I've just had breakfast with all the tenants in the hotel all white shirted and ties before going to work. How orderly they are, how well mannered and clean. I really loved them. They respect each other, they are a nation whether in twos or thousands. Most amazing is their attitude to authority. They crave for leadership, they don't RESENT it, they LOOK for it. At the table, if anyone spoke with even the minutest bit of authority in their voice, the whole room became still, everyone automatically turned towards that voice and listened wholeheartedly, laughed and smiled and reacted to the words with such unity, as one body, one big ear. I was the biggest slob in the place, couldn't seem to handle my knives and forks and jelly, my plate rattled and my cup clanged, I was the only noise in the place besides the steady hum of talk, when they left it was as if they had never eaten, no crumbs, napkins rolled up into tiny balls, chairs slid back in place, I made an extra effort to neaten up after myself. They all left in one body, at the same time, without a signal, suddenly I was sitting there all alone, incredible unity, I've never seen the like, and not like a herd either, like a GROUP, a well organized body without any obvious organization, just history. I know these people now, I'm sure they are right behind us. Met an Englishman last night, superior in intelligence but UNFEELING, a cute quick perception but no soul, I don't know what to do with England, but I can see Germany as the next state of these universal united states. We Americans truly are NOT a nationality, we are the daddy of it all, our wealth is only to be SHARED, and in a strange quiet, unassuming way the rest of the world KNOWS it, they resent us for not coming across sooner, our wealth is THEIR wealth and they are getting ready to ASK for it, if we don't share it willingly they will try to take it by FORCE, God what a world this will be when the leader gets himself together, when we grow up and truly assume our destined positions as DISTRIBUTORS of that wealth, wise teachers who give always just the right amount, not too much to induce laziness and not too little to arouse resentment, DISCRIMINATION, these are our children and guidance is our responsibility, they can't POSSIBLY get it without us, and if we don't give it they will rise up in their cradles and YELL. The United States need never have another war to learn this lesson, it is so easy if you just look.

Mel Lyman

Mel Lyman