Diary of a Young Artist
Avatar 10, p. 10
Mirror: Dec. 30, 1961, North Carolina]

December, 1961, North Carolina

I feel alone in this big world. Everyone is full of hate. I'm disgusted with myself for catching it or causing it or at least furthering it. I want to go home but I have no home. Nick's leaving and the world is changing. Please don't anybody ever hate anybody anymore. It makes me cry. God why can't I have the strength to live and be what I believe in. Hold still. God how can I put up with changing. Don't anybody come or go. Let's have one moment of supreme joy, everybody, and then let me die. Who do you love? Why do you feel pain and sorrow? The creek is singing and there are multitudes of faces swimming in my mind and decisions and questions. Who am I? How did I get here? Just give me a chance and I can dream up ugliness and hate and regret it and have grief and sorrow. Don't hurt inside. It eats my guts up. Don't have problems. Give them to me so you can jump and sing and dance. I'll take your problems and lost destroyed dreams and hold them for you while you play and I'll eat them so you can't get them back. Your play will digest and eliminate the problems I'm eating and then someday I may can join you. Of course I want to play too. I am a waiter. I can wait because I'm not sure what I'm waiting for. I am sorry I failed. I have tried to swallow your offerings but I got a lump in my throat and I can only spit and cough. The sun will still come up and go down and there will be wood to split and money to earn and we must continue to go to the bathroom whether we ever learn how to shit or not. Yes, I'll come with you or go with you and breathe regularly. I am a rock which no amount of hammer can destroy. Only your falling and failing trickles of liquid hope and despair penetrate my toughness. God no, don't stop dreaming.

Don't ever do that.